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July 01, 2020
I remember having a conversation with my girlfriend about her considering to marry her long-time boyfriend. She wanted to marry him, but she had her reservations “My boyfriend doesn’t like oral sex, not giving or receiving. He also doesn’t like trying new positions. He’s a wonderful guy but, he’s conservative”. I asked her if she would be happy with a somewhat bland sex life for the rest of her life, but she couldn’t respond.
This is quite a problematic Pro and Cons list to make, and the question is should something like this be a deciding factor, should it be a deal-breaker. In short, yes. If there’s something you want or need to satisfy you, as long as it’s reasonable and doesn’t harm anyone, then nobody should stand in your way. It’s like the proverbial big red button someone warns you not to push. Just reading that I bet you formed a satisfying image in your mind of slapping that red button, which is precisely my point. So how do you deal with a sexually conservative partner?
Firstly, anyone can find reasons to push sexual needs or desires aside, and this should be applauded, but the general consensus is that it’s not healthy. Let me assure you; this problem exists throughout all age groups, so don’t let your age be the determining factor here. In many cases, you could already be married to someone who is not thrilled talking about the concept of “mixing things up”.
Or you could be in a new relationship that’s not going in the sexual direction you had envisioned.
Whatever your situation, it’s ok to want more, and it’s certainly ok to communicate that with your partner. But, how do you deal with this besides hopes, prayers and patience? Here are a few ideas that could help you out or get your freak on whichever you prefer.
There are potentially millions of reasons and then a million combinations of those reasons why people could be stuck in their ways in the bedroom, and seemingly unwilling to talk about it. It could be due to religious views. I know some religious people view oral sex as a sin because of what their church or culture taught them. Some people believe positions like doggy style is degrading as it likens you to animals (kind of the point if you ask me, but each to his own).
Some of my girlfriends wouldn’t dare entertain the notion of a boyfriend or husband buying them lingerie, because that’s what “easy women” do according to what their parents taught them. I could go on for hours but let me tell you a secret. More often than not, it’s because they are inherently selfish and not interested in pleasing you; it’s more about what they’ve been told or believe.
I know, that sounds pretty harsh. But any relationship therapist worth their salt will tell you that sex is a lot more satisfying when people let go of needless reservations and get mentally and physically in sync with each other. Create a safe space where you can share with your partner what it is you want or need and let them do the same, ideally.
Communication is your first step towards creating a safe space and building trust and ultimately being more open to trying new things. It might require patience from your end, but better to get started sooner rather than later. Just beginning the “process” can be exciting.
Ok, this might be a bit harder with an alcohol ban in SA, but you can do it. Firstly, you need to ask yourself why you have a need and then articulate this to your partner. You’re both adults. If you need oral sex to orgasm and you’re not communicating this clearly, the onus is on you. If you have a fetish that does it for you, then you need to tell your partner that.
You’re speaking with someone you love, or at least have a deep regard for, and you shouldn’t be ridiculed for speaking up. It could be something as simple as trying new things keeps your sex life exciting.
Sharing is essential in any relationship, and even if they’re not into what you are, you can find common ground. Ease into it. Maybe don’t start the conversation by handing your partner a gimp mask before explaining your side of things. But you get the idea. In any event, you’ll be better off than you were.
Move beyond conventional but keep it within your frame of reference, don’t take a leap into the unknown without baby steps first.
Into bondage? Ask them to tape your hands up and leave the rest free for now. Make it playful before busting out the sex swing.
Dirty talk your thing? Ask them naughty/sexy questions during sex. If they’re up for it, send them a sexy text during the day.
New positions? Start with a lot of foreplay, make them so turned on they can’t say no.
Tired of the bedroom? Initiate sex in another room in the house or apartment. Kitchens can be great for this.
Like sex toys? Talk about the idea or get something small like a vibrating bullet to ease into things. Oral sex? Try getting a flavoured lube for oral sex. You get the idea.
The key is you have to take a step out of your comfort zone and at the risk of sounding like some zen master, you need to be the change you want to see. Best of luck, you got this.
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