October 12, 2020
It’s quite the understatement to say that great communication and trust is the key to having a healthy relationship and a satisfying sex life. Some clinical psychologists even believe that these two aspects are more important than love, especially when it comes to sex.
But great sex isn’t just about pleasing your partner, it’s also about pleasing yourself, and you’re the only one that knows what turns you on. That’s why you first have to be open and honest with yourself about your own needs and wants. After all, if you don’t know what makes you happy, how do you expect your partner to figure it out?
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Opening up to your partner about your sexual desires can be really tricky, especially if you’re in a new relationship. That’s because sex is an incredibly intimate activity, and it’s perfectly natural to be a bit sensitive about the subject, the last thing you want to do is hurt their feelings.
Being able to talk about sex openly is a critical relationship skill, and just like any other skill, you can get a lot better at it with a bit of practice. I’m not saying go for 10 000 hours here, but you’ll be surprised how easy and rewarding it is once you get the hang of it.
Maybe you’re bored with the same old routine and want to try out a new position? Maybe you want to make love harder, softer, or more often? You may even want to introduce sex toys or even a third party into your sex life? Regardless of what your request may be, your best bet is probably not to bring it up during sex or even right afterwards when your partner is feeling vulnerable.
Instead, wait until you’re both relaxed, comfortable, and fully clothed during dinner or while on a date. I’ve always found that having a glass of wine or two to help lower inhibitions a bit doesn’t hurt either.
Unfortunately, there’s no easy, paint-by-numbers way to initiate a sexual conversation. You can start by flirtingly saying something like: “ Babe, there’s something personal I’d like to ask you, but I’m a bit nervous…” This type of question will evoke compassion while at the same time piquing their curiosity.
You could also take a more direct approach along the line of: “You know, I really want us to have the best sex ever. What’s your favourite position?” Asking open-ended questions like these will put them at ease and allow the conversation to flow. Once the ice is broken and you start talking openly about your sexual needs, you’ll be surprised how easy it gets.
Whichever way you choose to initiate the conversation, make sure to always be honest, complimentary, and kind. The last thing they want is to feel like they’re being criticised.
There is a fine line between positive and negative criticism, and you are going to have to tread carefully here. You may have the best intentions, but if you just bombard them with a list of things they’re doing wrong, you’ll send them running for the hills. A good idea would be to start with a compliment. “I really love it when you _______ , we should try _______ next time.” People tend to respond a lot better to positive reinforcement, and the key is to keep it playful. You could also bring up something that you heard or read about somewhere, and you would really like to try. Whatever you do, just don’t mention anything a previous partner did that drove you wild, this is always a bad idea.
Non-verbal guidance also works like a charm. Take your partner’s hand and guide it to the area you like to be touched or even better yet, just show them. If they don’t get it right the first time, correct them gently and be patient, they can’t read your mind. A sexy moan or tightening your grip when they’re doing something you really enjoy also sends a clear signal and for goodness sake, if they do something right, tell them.
It’s also essential that once you’ve initiated the conversation, you’re open to some feedback yourself. Your partner is likely to want to try something new or different too and being open and willing to discuss their needs rather than being defensive will go a long way in establishing an open, honest line of communication.
If you can master the ability to explain to your partner what your sexual desires are clearly, you’ll dramatically increase your chances of being sexually satisfied. If you can get your partner to reciprocate, you’ll be having the best sex of your life.
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